Good bye to you... and hello to myself...

My Rebirth...

http://www.xanga.com/Me_Normal_U_Crzy

Inhale a deep breath. Relax. Stay calm. Just turn and walk away. Don’t let the confusion conquer. Don’t allow all the unexplained to lead to another world of illusions. Must not let the pain work its wicked ways. Can not succumb to the weakness.

Times have changed. I sit and I think back to the past, although I’m not sure why. Why waste time reminiscing of the past unless you plan to go in that direction? But it doesn’t hurt to rekindle old memories. Or does it? I can't run from the past. The good or the bad. No matter how hard I try, it somehow always still manages to find me. I think back to yesterday. And then the yesterday before that. And somehow days manage to turn into weeks and weeks into years. Days that are now long foregone but yet still seem to remain here. It’s as if the world has never changed. There are many memories that seem so long ago, but yet they really just happened not long ago. And there are others that I remember as if they had just happened yesterday but only to come to realize that they have really occurred many years ago. At times, I can’t seem to tell the difference anymore. Nothing seems real anymore… After all, reality is just an illusion. It’s just a figure of our imagination. It’s how we see the world through our own eyes. Nothing is real. You think you know something so well when you really didn’t know it at all. But we thought we did. And that is where illusions come in. The illusions that allow us to believe what we do. It allows us to see the world and view perspectives the way we want them to. But as ironic as it may seem, reality is just an illusion…nothing is ever real… it all only appears real for we allow illusions to trick us into the biggest deception of life…

There is a saying, "procrastination is like masturbation. In the end, you will only end up screwing yourself."

I don't procrastinate. I just work better under pressure.

To me, procrastination is like sex - the longer you wait to do it, the more intense, stronger and productive your outcome/orgasm will be. =)

It’s been about two years since I’ve seen him. Two years since we’ve parted and went our own ways. We haven’t seen each other nor exchanged one word since then. But now, rumors from the streets say he’s back in town. After all this time, hearing his name can still take me through a trip back in time. I guess that’s what first love does to you. You’ll never forget them. And for a split second, it’s as if nothing had ever changed. But things did change. And I’m glad they did. We were never meant to be. Instead, we were only a stepping stone of learning about the glory and pains of love; a stepping stone to teaching each other what could only benefit us for future relationships.

Somewhere over the years, I had given up on the idea of love. I began to believe that love was over rated. That it only existed for the sole purpose of playing a small but detrimental role in the reproduction of mankind. I felt that love was only a game of the mind; a chemical that the brain secreted when synchronized with the raging sexual hormones. Thus, seducing the body into the art of sexual lust. I often look back and wonder what led me to that perspective on love. As a little girl, I have constantly sought love. The kind of love that keeps you falling in love over and over again with that special one. The kind of love that was silent, unwritten, unchangeable by time, unbreakable by distance and undefinable by words.

Since that day, I viewed love as a failure. Due to heartbreak, I felt as if love had failed me. I began to see love as a dream that existed only in the mind. It wasn’t real. Why go chasing after something if there is no guarantee that it even exists for you? Instead, why not settle for something that can bring you some sort of small joy, even if it is not the completed and fulfilled happiness? Why spend a lifetime searching for something that you are not even sure that it is awaiting you?

Easy. Because of faith. Because of that small ounce of faith that had survived and still burned within me, I strongly believed that I would find the love that I had long search for. That small ounce of faith ruled over my heart and outweighed everything else. And until I was completely and wholly fulfilled, I refused to stop searching…

Refusing to give up has finally become worth it; for now my long and arduous journey of forever searching has finally come to an end. And faith is what brought me to him… my one and only, Johnny. The salvation of my heart and soul, the one who restored my faith in love, mended my broken heart, renewed the happiness  in my smile and brought life back into my eyes…

I close my eyes. I inhale from my nose and exhale through my mouth until I can feel the deep beating of my heart. A visual image arises from the depths of my mind. I see Johnny… I see myself...

My Daily Horoscope for Thursday, April 24, 2003.

"It may seem as if you are on the edge of a cliff with your legs dangling over the side. Your hands are frantically searching for handholds as your feet struggle to support you on the tiny ledge below. You may be swearing to yourself that when you get out of this predicament, you will never come this way again. The fact is that this is all part of the cycle. These challenges are necessary in order to make yourself stronger and appreciative of the easy stretches in the road."

 This sounds more like something out of a long fortune cookie rather than a future forecast. One of the hardest things in life is to be uncertain of where you are in life as well as where you are headed to. At times you swear that you have the course of your future all planned out and you vow that nothing will stop you from getting there. Suddenly, your path crosses something or someone and everything changes. You take a step back and view your life from a different angle. You then realize that you're not happy nor the least bit content with where you are in life. So what happens when you realize that your life that you thought was so certain and planned turns out to be something that you never really knew at all? Where do you go from there? And how do you get there?